Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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