You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
