I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
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