Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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