mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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