as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
