I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
