I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
