dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
