kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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