she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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