The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
