I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
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