He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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