i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
