is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
