Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
