i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
