i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
