Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
