I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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