Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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