How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize