you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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