I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
