Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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