Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
