This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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