I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
