2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
