Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
