Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Randomize
