dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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