Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
