i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
