Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize