i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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