my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Randomize
