she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
