Don't make out with my wife yet
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
