Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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