just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
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