I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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