so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
