Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
