I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
