I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
