your parents love me but you hate me
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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