My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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