Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
