She's JV to your varsity
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
