how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
So much Jack, so little girl.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Text me some of your sweat
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
