I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
