if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
