i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
