I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
