Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
